unconditionally loved

moved

2009-03-16T22:11:00.001+11:00

www.amesmeiyee.wordpress.com

2009-03-10T17:39:00.004+11:00

http://www.news.com.au/story/0,23599,25165196-2,00.html

urgh, so ridiculous! i agree that there definitely have to be boundaries, particularly with children... but... banning high fives???
though i guess one of the tough things about rules... is knowing how far is too far?
but this is too far!

anyway... off on a tangent: i promised more 'sexist jokes' haha and yes... i love the clever ones!

Women like silent men. They think they're listening.
-Marcel Achard, Quote, 4 November 1956

I have an idea that the phrase "weaker sex" was coined by some woman to disarm some man she was preparing to overwhelm.
-Ogden Nash

They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.

need

2009-03-08T12:30:00.003+11:00

i'm so so sorry, i think at times it was easier for me to turn a blind eye to it all.

there are so many things that i need to do better in, and i'm struggling to balance it all... already.
i need Your intervention
i need a multiplication of my time and energy...
i need wisdom and strength
i need a strengthening of my heart and spirit
i need You and everything that You are

i will take hold of You

nice or intoxicated?

2009-03-07T02:57:00.004+11:00

for some reason there is a certain etiquette that is observed when traveling on a train. passengers don't talk too loudly... there's a certain concept of personal space... and people in general do their best not to make eye contact. well yesterday, during peak hour... amongst the mass of people, i could distinctly hear a loud voice over my ipod.

lovely day!
thats it dear, give us a smile, ohhh you got a lovely smile... give us another... now... where do you live? eh? wheelers hill? u better watch that i don't follow you home...
ohhh there got a laugh... jolly good!

now... i've learnt that sometimes when rowdy behaviour occurs, its best to avoid appearing a spectator, lest you yourself attract unwanted attention. sometimes as a girl, its best to stay out of it. so i continued to fake sleeping and listening to my ipod.
but eventually, curiosity got the better of me... i was dying to see what this man looked like. i could very clearly hear his voice, and had gauged him to be elderly... and by the sounds of it... intoxicated. moreover, i had formed a picture in my head: grizzly looking, unshaven, wearing a stained hoody and perhaps worn trackies? however, when i finally managed to catch a glimpse of the man, i was stunned.
yes, he was elderly, but this man appeared to be well to do. dressed in a suit with golden cuff links and a blackberry at hand. not at all what i had imagined. the more i (discreetly) observed him.. the more i began to doubt my initial impression of a drunk and sleazy old man.

i still don't know what to make of him. a part of me believes that he was trying to bring some sort of warmth to an otherwise mundane commute home. he made an effort to smile at each person and wish them have a wonderful day. yet on the other hand... his obtuse and loud behaviour had me believing the worst. i don't think it helped that the two men that were 'encouraging' his behaviour (the ones i could see) were scary looking... the type of men you give wide berth when walking in the streets past nightfall.

started me thinking, how appearances can be deceptive... but more so, i questioned my assumption that this man was drunk. yes... some of the things he said made me concerned... (such as the following the girl home... i would have freaked out completely!) but on the other hand, my initial belief that his friendliness and lack of reservation was due to the alcohol rather than a genuine... niceness... made me feel... hmmm sad? i dunno... does it say something about the days we live in, when we perceive such ugliness before the good? or does it say something about me?

2009-03-04T18:41:00.003+11:00

If your wife wants to learn to drive, don't stand in her way. (yes... i'm thinking of a particular friend whose future husband may be lucky that she's already learnt how to drive.... umm more or less... HAHA)

Girls are like phones. We love to be held, talked to but if you press the wrong button you'll be disconnected!

Men are like parking spots, the good ones are taken and the free ones are handicapped.
(haha this one is my favourite out of all of them! ok amy... enough of the sexist jokes)

laughoutloud

2009-03-04T17:58:00.006+11:00

unfortunately... sexist jokes have always made me laugh... depending of course on the wittiness

(disclaimer: the following quotes do not necessarily reflect the beliefs of the blogger...)

Sure, God created man before woman. But then you always make a rough draft before the final masterpiece.

(oh oh oh!!! ouch! this is definitely a quote that DOES NOT represent my beliefs! but... you have to admit, it is witty! BUT BUT... one could argue... that yes, God created man first, but he wasn't good enough, soooo God created woman! OR... it was not good for man to be alone, (ie. they can't survive without a woman) SO tada!!! woman!)

If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a little noose around your neck?
- Linda Ellerbee

(haha i like ties, i also like tying them... but i hated wearing them during highschool. i would say, without ties, how are guys going to accessorise?)

haha isn't it funny how we're so different? funny and at times downright annoying ;)

more to come: watch this space!

happy belated new year!

2009-01-04T17:20:00.000+11:00

wow its been absolute yonks since i've posted anything...

seeing as this is the new year... well a couple of days late... it would make sense for this post to be reflective:

2008 felt like 2 years or more in one... not in the sense that time passed too slowly due to lack of fun (definitely not the case!) haha but more because it felt like i experienced so much during it... perhaps in the sense of maturing too... haha

there were ALOT of highs... huge huge blessings and answers to prayers...and there were lows... but even looking back at those circumstances that weren't ideal, i wouldn't exchange them for moments of happiness. to be honest... i think what made 2008 the best year (so far) for me... was the fact that God brought me through the lows, that He granted me the capacity to make His joy my strength. i know that the challenges have tested my heart and faith and that they were for the purposes of refining me... i have a better understanding of my flaws and weaknesses.... and a greater revelation of how truly stupefying His grace is. its much better this way... learning to rely on His strength rather than my own. unfortunately its one of those lessons i find myself needing to take revision classes on. haha. 2008 was an unbelievably fantastic year... haha one of those years that i find myself wondering how it could possibly be topped. but in my experience each year is better than the last, and i have no reason to believe that this year will be any different.

going into 2008 i wrote a post, saying that i knew that 2008 was going to be a year of changes and challenges... but truly, i think i was still unprepared and clueless. going into this year... 2009, i suspect it will also be a year of changes... and i'm certain that it will be a year of many challenges... (and i've honestly had my moments of complete freaking out in "preparation" haha) but one thing i know from 2008 and my 20 years: my God is faithful, and with His strength, it will not be more than i can bear.
sooo... while i'm still ever so slightly freaking out, i'm also excited and expectant. looking forward to the greater heights TheOne will take me too...

too low they build, who build beneath the stars
- Edward Young

2008-11-01T17:22:00.001+11:00

its too common these days... and i wish it wasn't
mmm... and it surprises me still... just how vulnerable we can be to it, how it happens even to the ones you would never expect. it doesn't seem to be a matter of how strong, attractive, smart, fun, confident or seemingly happy you are... its something that is beyond my comprehension.

because You can deliver the better part of what i cannot. touching heaven changing earth.

take every thought captive and bring it to the obedience of Christ. for you belong to Him.

decisionsdecisions

2008-10-20T16:52:00.004+11:00

'every choice moves us closer to or further away from something'

- Eric Allenbaugh

i think we tend to go to extremes. not considering our choices enough... or being completely paralyzed by the fear that we are making the wrong choice.

trust and surrender.
obedience and worship.

life really is about the steps we take... sometimes we take steps forward... and sometimes we take steps back. we've all made mistakes, the wrong choice which maybe has drawn us further... but at every stage, there still is that opportunity to turn around... and take a step closer.

each new day again i'll choose

2008-10-06T23:17:00.004+11:00

how could someone so beautiful feel something for me?
won't You hold me and love me and touch me again
and show me why i believe

that the first time I see Your face
everything else around me will fade to the background
and I'll be struck full by the truth in Your gaze
as You work and indelible change in me

all I have and all I am and all I think and do
can find it's purpose and meaning and life only in You

- Indelible Brooke Fraser

2008-10-05T23:33:00.003+11:00

when i was so undeserving

still You found me.

being emo and crying

2008-09-22T15:51:00.001+10:00

something that i've been more conscious of in recent years, i don't want my faith in Him to be reliant on just the emotional encounters i experience with Him. those moments where to be in His Presence causes such a deep stirring in my spirit, and i'm physically incapable of stopping the tears. i'll be candid: for a really long time, i thought that if i cried, that was an indication that i was in His presence. haha... i actually thought, that if i didn't cry, i hadn't been touched by Him. which now, seems ridiculous.

mmm... hear me when i say this, i'm not belittling these emotional encounters with Him. honestly, they are moments where i think we walk away changed. pivotal moments where His Spirit ministers to us, to bring healing of emotional hurt, His validation and amazing love. they are really moments of refreshment for our mind/body/heart/spirit and moments where we learn His heart, and He breaks our heart for the lost. definitely, these moments can impact our walk with Him.
what i am trying to say however, is that i've realised the danger in basing my faith on these moments. i've realised the foolishness in chasing after these emotional encounters by going to camps or conventions [and perhaps walking away either excited in having experienced Him, or feeling downcast because i didn't cry (lol)] instead of chasing after Him.
i've begun to realise... that whilst in my younger years (haha makes me feel old saying that...) a huge proportion of my encounters with Him were based on these emotions and being moved to tears, in fact... my walk was reliant on these moments. and that's all it was... my walk with Him, was based on several moments. it was like... during those camps/conventions/worship sessions i would take a couple of steps forward with Him, but as soon as it was over, i would just stand there, and say, sorry God, can't take another step until the next camp, soo... i'll see you same time next year ok? and in essence, that was me, stagnant until the next year came around again.

looking at Matthew 18:20 which assures us of His Presence when two or more are gathered... haha i think often, we rely on those moments where there are many of us gathered before we think that He is there, when in reality its not the case. (the amazing trait of being omnipresent! haha) i've begun to treasure those moments, alone, with You. in the quiet. and its no longer necessary for me to cry to feel Your Presence. haha its funny... how even in a kids movie, i can hear Your voice... and it amazes me so so so much, that Your Spirit turns up, even when its just me there. because... faith is not based on how You make me feel, but who You are. its learning to praise You despite how i feel, and praising You for who You are.

haha well... this post has taken a different turn to what i was anticipating: cause despite what i've said above, last night was a blessing for me, and i found myself trying to restrain the tears. i have been cautious about desiring those emotional encounters with You, but perhaps... there is nothing wrong with desiring them, though there is something dangerous in relying upon them. thank You for the unexpected moment. =)

i want to be remembered for someone who was unselfish with Your love.
that is the legacy i want to leave.
let Your love overflow through me...
amen

2008-09-20T01:35:00.000+10:00

its been awhile since i've blogged... haha i haven't actually had internet at home... and gosh. its made me realize how much we rely on technology. you won't believe how many times i wanted to wiki things...but had no internet... haha anyway...

its funny how in my family's bid to get faster internet, we wound up with no internet.

its actually true what they say... that generation Y is oriented towards instant gratification. we feel compelled to upgrade our technology so that we can save milliseconds. we get jobs... (at least part time) not to save for our future security, but to spend it immediately... on things we honestly don't need. kinda scary huh?
because deep down... we all know that what feels good for us now... is not always whats best for us in the future. yet... it seems easy to ignore that niggling feeling.

when i was in kindergarten, i think i ate so many lollies that i lost all my baby teeth by the time i was like in grade one. hahaha... and really... when we're young... all we are concerned with is instant gratification, the concept of waiting, or even discipline is beyond us. all the talk of diabetes and teeth falling out seemed soooo trivial. haha something to worry about later, after i enjoy this chocolate bar now. i remember hearing about a science experiment where a child was told... i'll give you a lolly now, but if you can hold onto it for 10 minutes, you can have two lollies. the adult then placed the lolly into the child's hands and left the room. in almost every instance, the child was not capable of waiting, completly lacked the discipline to control themselves.

discipline is a discipline in itself. hahaha duh. its not something that we have as kids... (well i certainly didn't!) so we work on it. and often we find ourselves asking why? why do i need to work on it? well... perhaps at times, its because what feels good now, isn't going to help us in the future. perhaps discipline will help us to achieve certain goals. but for me? right now? discipline is required for me to learn.

did you know that the word discipline has the latin origin of disciplina "instruction" and the root discere "to learn", it refers to the systematic instruction given to disciples. (ohhh yeahhhhhh.... its good to have wiki back! hahaha) discipline is required for me to be learn more of what it means to be a disciple of Christ. discipline is what is required of me to be more like Him.

a student is not above his Teacher, but everyone who is fully trained will be like his Teacher.
-Luke 6:40

do you not know that in a race all the runners run, but only one gets the prize? run in such a way as to get the prize. everyone who competes in the games goes into strict training. they do it to get a crown that will not last; but we do it to get a crown that will last forever. therefore I do not run like a man running aimlessly; i do not fight like a man beating the air.
-1 Corinthians 9:24-26

bigger picture

2008-09-10T00:04:00.001+10:00

to be part of the bigger picture... part of the Greater plan.

i don't know what... but i know i can trust i the Who

2008-08-28T00:13:00.000+10:00

You open and shut doors. is this the direction You want me to walk?

direct me in the path of Your commands, for there i find delight
-Psalm 119:35

in a way only You can

2008-08-21T20:27:00.000+10:00

i randomly found this song on my ipod, never having paid much attention to it. today for some reason, the lyrics really captured my attention... and it felt very much like a song from Him =D upon researching it (yes i'm aware of how geeky that sounds...haha) i discovered that the songwriter and singer kendall payne is in fact a christian. with this perspective... maybe it'll speak something to you too...

I will show you love like you've never loved before
I will go the distance and back for more if you just say the word

you will come alive again and call the trying times your friend
the pain that you have suffered through will never get the best of you
you will hope in something real that won’t depend on how you feel
when you call my name then I will answer

you have climbed an uphill road, you have worn a heavy load
you have cried through endless nights and nearly given up the fight
watched your dreams like falling stars the heartaches made you who you are
now looking back you see that I have always been there

I have heard you cry and it breaks My heart for I love you so
I would never lie, this is not the end there is still a hope

I AM on your side though the wind and waves beat against your faith
you were on My mind when the world was made
trust in Me my child
- I will show you love kendall payne

friendship

2008-08-17T22:40:00.001+10:00

mm... it hit me tonight, how you can know someone... but not truly know how much they were struggling... and its something that i regret, i wish i had known... i wish i had asked or probed deeper... so that you wouldn't have felt so alone.

more than ever, i'm realising just how sweet and important friendship is...
how the encouragement and love from a friend can bring you out of such depths, and spur you onto pursuing Greater things.

i'm so very very thankful for answered prayer... for those of you who i have the pleasure and privilege of journeying through life together... racepartners =)

this is my desire, to honor You
Lord with all my heart, i worship You
all i have within me, i give You praise
all that i adore is in You

Lord i give you my heart,
i give You my soul
i live for You alone
every breath that i take, every moment i'm awake
Lord have Your way in me

nopeiknowican'tdance

2008-08-07T23:54:00.004+10:00

omgosh! now i can't stop youtubing soyouthinkyoucandance!hahaha for some reason no matter their actual looks, when any of these dancers start dancing = pure hotness. HAHA

i absolutely loved this dance! katee and josh... great chemistry.
urghhhh i wish i had more rhythm and that i was alot less un-co... although i'm glad my parents decided not to force me to do ballet when i was younger... i certainly find all those movements so graceful and beautiful... it would be cool to be able to do a pirouette and all those twirly things... another way to express yourself... with the whole body... very cool

check it out (starts getting amazingly good at bout 45seconds plus):

captured

2008-08-01T00:34:00.000+10:00

O God, You are my God,
earnestly i seek You;
my soul thirsts for You,
my body longs for You...

i have seen You in the sanctuary
and beheld Your power and Your glory,
because Your love is better than life
my lips will glorify You.

i will praise You as long as i live,
and in Your name i will lift up my hands.
my soul will be satisfied as with the richest of foods;
with singing lips my mouth will praise You.
- psalm 63:1-5

longing

2008-07-30T23:55:00.000+10:00

would it make sense if i were to say:

i long to long....

as the deer pants for streams of water, so my soul longs for You
- psalm 42:1

what does it mean to long for and thirst after God? for this desire to take greater priority than even our inherent thirst for water? what changes in your heart?

funnily enough, the natural human or animal response to thirst is simply this: we drink until we no longer feel thirsty.

and God is such an abundant God... He has given much more than we need....

and i figure the thirstier i am, the more i'll drink =D hahaha

so. i want to long for more of You.

please, thankYou and amen. =D

love, me.

whispers to my soul

2008-07-29T12:19:00.001+10:00

because of You, i can look forward with confidence...

one thing I ask of the Lord,
this is what i seek:
that i may dwell in the house of the Lord
all the days of my life,
to gaze upon the beauty of the Lord
and to seek him in his temple...

my heart says of you, "Seek his face!"
Your face, Lord, I will seek...

teach me your way, O Lord;
lead me in a straight path....

I am still confident of this:
I will see the goodness of the Lord
in the land of the living.

Wait for the Lord;
be strong and take heart
and wait for the Lord.

-Psalm 27:4. 8. 11. 13-14

in abundance of You. =)

i will seek Your face
call upon Your name, Jesus
all i want is You

back to school

2008-07-28T01:00:00.005+10:00

bahhhhh i have to adjust my sleeping pattern!!! oh no oh no! talking to 6am was so not a good idea... (but still feels very worth it! hahaha... and we hadn't even exhausted all topics yet!)

i actually have 9am lectures now...(sad to say audio lectures are already calling to me... haha) no more days off... finishing everyday (except fridays) at 4:15pm...

but but but.... the spread out timetable is a blessing as well... more lunch breaks = more lunch/coffee dates =D and well.. opportunities to study... haha time management and discipline ok ok? (ignore me... i'm trying to psych myself up... peptalks... and don't pretend you don't do it too... haha)

i used to love going back to school... i found holidays kind of boring... but now...
are u kidding me? the long holidays are the best part about uni... haha and the weekends too of course ;)

ah well... there are a couple of things i'm looking forward to this week... =)

time for plan B?

2008-07-25T01:36:00.000+10:00

A couple of weeks back, our senior pastor wrote in the church bulletin:

have you ever thought about the fact that God is never found wanting for a 'plan B'? with His perfect knowledge of the future His activities are always up to date. if life were to be recorded as plan A until we made a mistake and then it became plan B, i would not like to think what letter God is up to with the planning of my life. He would have run out of numbers, letters and most other options given my human frailty. God perpetually has a plan A.
He has never been caught by surprise nor will He ever be. while God has taken note in advance of my mistakes and poor choices He has also made provision for me through Christ. not only am i forgiven of my sins but i have the opportunity of a fresh start every day. the grace of God does that for us.

despite our uncertainty, my inability to see into the future, its a nice reminder to know that God will never be caught by surprise... the idea of God saying... wow!! what a melodrama, so did not see that coming. the writer of this soap is a genius
is laughable... hahaha am i right?

when it comes down to it, i don't know the details, but i have confidence that in the end it'll work out better than good. it'll be a joy to look back and see His hand in it all...

so in the meantime... lesson to learn: there are no plan Bs... so no need to worry

hahaha

romance and other such ramblings

2008-07-03T23:45:00.000+10:00

things i used to believe in:

you could die of dehydration and loss of blood if you cried too much (haha i think my mum used to tell me that i was crying out clear blood and water or something like that...)
all the rice left over on my plate would one day translate into pimples
if you swallowed a watermelon seed... it would grow inside of you
if you had a really bad cough... it was possible to cough your lungs out
boy germs (though i never really thought about what it would do to me... more that it was icky and ewwww)
love was a state you fell into... kinda like you just tripped: involuntary, unexpected and unless someone caught you, painful when you hit the ground. haha actually... to a large extent i still believe that, but... i don't believe that you can fall in and out of love just like that. instead, i believe love is something that you work on...

i think thats why i don't think i believe in the concept of soul mates anymore either... the idea of someone else that completes you. its realizations like these that tempers my romantic notions... in the past i would have readily described myself as a hopeless romantic, but now... probably not. i don't believe in love at first sight, i'm not even sure i believe in theone anymore... *gasp!* (I've had a lot of interesting conversations centering on the concept of theone lately, and generally i get that kind of reaction when i express these thoughts) i wouldn't say i'm jaded (gosh i hope i'm not!) but perhaps a slightly cynical romantic, but wistfully so? in the sense that, i hope i'll be surprised and perhaps proved wrong.

i still refer to the future guy (whoever he may be) as theone, and i hope and secretly wish that i will be lucky enough to have the guy walk into my life with a huge sign on his forehead reading 'amy's theone... other girls please do not touch' HAHAHA!!! but highly highly unlikely...

so i'm not so sure i believe in theone, but i do believe in TheOne and i think by far, thats the greatest romance ever =D

=D

2008-06-30T01:30:00.000+10:00

haha tonight was loads of fun... many priceless moments!!

'do we have to pay for water?'
nobu to the food court
and the oh crap... i-don't-think-i-have-enough-money-look moment... hahahaha

very touched! totally did not expect it... lovelovelove! tuesday! =D haha totally excited!

and i'm kinda wrecked... trying not to get so wrecked in the busyness and catching up... despite the fact that its soooo good! hahaha ok amy, take it easy... you need some rest too... gosh... i cannot believe that in highschool i needed 9 hours sleep minimum... and i was dying by 11pm...
hmmm i'm considering going to sleep now... watching friends, or get started on one of the jap dramas... but there are too many.. i don't know where to start! haha

The One i can't deny

2008-06-23T01:26:00.004+10:00

its undeniable how brilliant You are
in an unreliable world You shine like a star
its unforgettable now that we've come this far
its unmistakable that Your undeniable

You're the only One when this world collides
The One that I can't deny

its funny how you get so busy during semester... and you say... come holidays i'm going to do all of the above.. but really....holidays are in some sense worse...

in the busyness do i neglect Him? do i neglect THE most important relationship in my life? because really... when its holidays... i should be more than quadrupling the amount of time i spend with Him...(haha i just realised i don't really know the equivalent of quadrupling in terms of x10 [decading?]) i mean... i make the effort and time for friends, so really the big question for me these holidays:

are you making time for The ONE?

because spending time with friends is important, but He is THE ONE. FirstLove and i think i've been sidelining Him too much already.

in the quiet, in the stillness i know that You are God.

in the quiet and in the stillness... busyness does not seem conducive haha.

stilling my heart, searching for Him in the quiet place... seeking Him.

2008-06-14T11:49:00.001+10:00

VCN has been dobbing on me?!?! =P
ok ok... so i've been facebooking, and posting comments on other ppls blogs... its because i miss you all! hahaha
and i'm procrastinating. there i admit it... first step yes? i have a problem. bahhh but i'm improving... studied more this semester than i did last year.

geeezz so bad! i've made all these plans already to catch up with ppl and i haven't even finished exams yet! only one more... monday..... then freedom! i keep getting distracted, with people calling up or texting saying we should meet up... though i've realised that sometimes i'll say... i'll definitely catch up with you during the hols, but i never get round to it... =S hmmm... not good not good. something i need to rectify. best thing to do? hound me and guilt trip me. probably better to make more concrete plans as opposed to 'sometime during the hols'
theres too many ppl i've lost contact with, or don't see enough of... =( something thats been weighing a bit on my mind...

anyway for those ppl who are procrastinating as well by reading my blog this is for you:

and i was thinking of saving up these next two for valentines day... but too cute!

see what i mean??? so very true for primary school... why was it that when a guy liked a girl back then, he would mercilessly bully her? or even how you would ignore them but still hope that they would notice you? seems completely illogical! what is that?! confusing times... puppy love
hahaha was enlightening talking to some of these guys years later getting bizarre explanations for weird behavior and seeing just how embarassed they are now. so didn't get guys then, can't say i'm much better off now...

but primary school crushes and even early highschool crushes make for hilarious conversation now.... yep!

ohhh i just found a really cool shortcut... CTRL + 1(or whatever number the tab is) and it'll switch between tabs...

ok ok stop procrastinating!

2008-06-12T22:50:00.003+10:00

i've drawn a blank... i seem to be doing that a lot lately...

i wish you could see... that theres so much more than this.

we were meant to live for so much more

i had a lot longer post. a really long one. but yeah... not my place, not appropriate. too... ___
so i deleted pretty much all of it.

Jeremiah 24:6-7

interceding. You promised. (and how whiny petulant did that sound? lol) that image is still clear in my mind. i refuse to give up. because i am confident of only one thing, and that is You. You never fail. so i'm clinging onto Your promises. its out of my hands, surrendered into Yours.

help me to keep my eyes fixed on Your face.

Your freedom and life.

peace. wisdom. trust. focus.

ok. i'm feeling better now =) thank You!

endearing

2008-06-11T00:34:00.003+10:00

my bro has a habit of leaving toothpaste tubes and not throwing them out... sooo for a long while, i've always thought... how much effort can it take to throw the tube out? geeezzzz... lazybum
then, last night a bit of inspiration hit me. i ran to his room,clutching the empty toothpaste tube and asked... 'its not because you're lazy is it? its because you don't want to waste any of the toothpaste. you keep trying to squeeze it all out' after a moment of confusion, a sheepish look crossed my brothers face. it was at this point that i experienced a HUGE burst of affection.
'omgosh! you are such a cheap skate! THERE IS NOTHING LEFT! i know i should be irritated, but for some reason, its strangely cute'
'cute??' (hahaha its funny how some guys like being called cute, and others don't)
'ok... endearing'

hahaha there are many thing about my brother that i find endearing...like how he stopped playing call of duty 4 on his favorite level and saved it so that I could play it... how he wanders into my room and sits on my bed to talk to me...how he saves music that he thinks i'll like...how he's protective to the point where i think maybe it was good fortune that he wasn't present in those situations. how he jokes about having the birthright. how he hugs me awkwardly and i had to teach him how to hug properly hahahaha... how he asks me every time he gets his hair cut, is it symmetrical? coz i swear this side burn is longer.... HAHAHA... how he cannot resist ice-cream, cheese, bread and gummy lollies but he has unbelievable self control with everything else.

tehehe its good to have you round

ok amy focus! 2 more to go!!!
business finance tomorrow.... studyyyyyyy gosh... i am so stuffed... i don't understand why they don't put up answers to the past year exams! grrr.... meh... i'll be done on monday!!!!!! =D partayyyyyy

the challenge

2008-06-03T11:40:00.007+10:00

sometimes God whispers, and then sometimes... He shouts. =D hahaha
(perhaps He shouts because i wasn't listening hard enough... but for whatever reason, boy is it refreshing)
there have been a few things that God's been really teaching me and laying on my heart, some of the lessons a little painful, some of them... well... =D

but... i think i know now what i've been saving up for... or what i will be continuing to save up for. short term missions! no idea where at this point... or when...or for how long... but possibly tentatively the end of this year or beginning of next year? but i know that i really want to work with children. or do something practical... like help build a school or something (despite the fact that i have noooooo idea how... and i'm probably as weak as)

church has been having a missions week called beyond. all our missionaries that we support come back (or their representatives) and share with us what God has been doing.... and wow.
it stirs something up in the spirit. hahaha embarrassingly i always get choked-up-shush-don't-look-at-me-i've-just-got-something-in-my-eye. its encouraging, uplifting and challenging.

i know that for me, the idea of long term missions is kind terrifying... like going overseas to South Africa (which was where Sunday nights speaker was from) where you generally hear more stories about people being killed or persecuted. i don't think God has called me overseas to serve, i know He's begun to give me small glimpses of His plan for me (and excitingexcitingexciting!) haha but then again sad to say... secretly in my heart... i hope that God doesn't call me into long term missions. so i wonder if that prevents me from hearing His call...

mmm... but then again, living in the center of God's will is the place to be. so honestly.... i don't know how i would respond if God were to call me into long term missions. i hope that i have the faith, courage and trust to follow Him. the conviction and passion to want to see His people come back to Him. to love the lost the way He loves them. but God knows my heart better than i know it.... and they're just words without action to back it up. so honestly... i don't know...

some of the things that really stuck with me from sunday:

it is far better to die with fire and passion in your blood. is your passion God given? or have you given your passion to something else that does not deserve it? corrie ten boom passionately served God until she was 86 years old and no longer had the power of speech. a friend of Floyd (the speaker) discovered that he was going to die of cancer, and told himself, that if he was going to die, it was going to be overseas doing God's work. so he bought a round the world ticket, and went to the most dangerous and unreached people groups of the world. to have that kind of passion...
believe for the grace of God to help you fulfill the will of God
seeing footage of the Me'en people, sharing how God has brought freedom into their lives, breaking the chains of oppression, fear, violence and spiritual strongholds
whenever i watch footage of African people praising God it amazes me how from the little toe to the huge smiles on their face,they worship Him with their whole body
such energy and passion. i want to do that...to worship God with absolutely everything within me... with every breath i take.
corporate worship is always so uplifting. hearing all the voices as one? getting a glimpse of what it would be like to worship Him in eternity, with all the saints. wow wow wow.

Lord i stand in the midst of a multitude of those from every tribe and tongue...
we are Your people redeemed by Your blood...
rescued from death by Your love.
there are no words good enough to thank You
there are no words to express my praise
but i will lift up my voice and sing from my heart with all of my strength.

be patient little one

2008-05-31T15:53:00.011+10:00

she is restless. in one hand, she holds a pretty pink watering can. in the other hand she grips a trowel thats a little too heavy for her. the skies are clear and the sun warms her face. but she doesn't notice. she's too busy staring intently at the ground. her father vigilantly watches over her from a short distance, fiercely protective and utterly devoted. he never takes his eyes off her.

she huffs a little. the exhalation of air is surprisingly loud for one so small. her features are drawn together as the scowl deepens. she bites her lower lip, thinking. finally she squats down, and begins to dig.

'princess? why are you digging?'
she loves it when he calls her princess. she glances up, wide eyed as a guilty look flashes across her face. 'i... uh, mm no reason daddy'
he squats down and gently takes the trowel from her hands. she again notices how large his hands are, how her little hand barely covers his palm. its funny how he towers over her, yet she finds such security in his arms. he grins as he notices a smudge of dirt on her rosy cheek. he wonders at such vulnerability and sweetness. a burst of love explodes in his chest.

'you know... it takes a little while for it to grow...' 'oh.. i know... thats why i waited 'til today.' she grins proudly
he laughs softly and tweaks her nose. 'sweetheart, when i said a little while, well.. i didn't mean just a day.'
'oh...' her face falls. 'but i want to see the pretty flowers now... i thought that maybe, you know... if i dug it up just a little... like a teensy tiny little bit... i could see how much they've grown...?'

she half expects her father to get angry, to scold her for not trusting him and being silly. but she is young, she has not even begun to understand the heart of her father and the extent of his love. he notices part of the flower bulb uncovered by his daughter's digging. as he carefully covers it again with the soil he teaches his daughter the lesson of patience.

'thats the funny thing about flowers, all you get to see is whats above and on the surface, you don't get to see the roots growing deeper into the ground. and the roots are what allow the flower to get the nutrients it needs to grow, the roots help the flower to stand firm and not be yanked away by the wind. if you try to dig the flower up now, before its time, you could be taking away its opportunity to grow. you could kill it.' he pats the soil gently, and waters it.

'oh' she blushes and tucks a strand of hair behind her ear. 'i'm very sorry daddy...' hoisting her onto his shoulders as her delighted laughter rings across the garden...

he smiles as he replies, "how about you wait with me? I promise you, it'll be worth the wait."

He has made everything beautiful in its time.
- Ecclesiastes 3:11

patience. faith and trust. wait upon the Lord

enveloped in a Father's love. Abba Father

....learning....

to lay me down....

heartbreaker

2008-05-21T22:05:00.001+10:00

she tries hard not to let it show that he disarms her with his smile.
that his playfulness and boyishness makes her lose her concentration.
but he knows that the way he says her name makes her melt.

mhmm... he's gonna be a heartbreaker she thinks to herself.

haha the kid is pulling at my heart strings...and manipulating me ever so slightly... hahaha
he's rather adorable though... and making progress!! with a whole lot of cajoling and bribery from me. hahaha

walk with me

2008-05-20T19:59:00.002+10:00

Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider him who endured such opposition from sinful men, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart.
- Hebrews 12:1-3

you know what i love? i don't have to be perfect! haha. cause perfect? i am not.... i'm far from it...
i love the fact that my walk with Him is a continuous one, a constant journey. it doesn't happen overnight... good things need to be worked on.

joyful hearts
to grow in love
and find rest in You

Your grace is all i need.... You're strong when i am weak

the games we play

2008-05-10T18:12:00.001+10:00

i don't like this game anymore. she says to him
its a stupid game.
he looks at her blankly.

tag, you're it. tag, now i'm it. bleagh.
the game is stupid. she insists.
he raises his eyebrow.

she tries again

duck duck goose.
you're the goose.
he scratches the back of his head.

ready or not here i come?!? i was ready at one-mississippi.
am i hiding or are you?
and she waits. and waits for the lightbulb above his head to flicker.

no such luck.

mentally, her eyes roll to the back of her head.
she silently glances upward to ask for the patience to deal with it all.
he looks uncertain

and her ramblings crescendos into a hugely embarassing climatic nothing:

round and round we go where it stops...

i don't know

ah-tishoo ah-tishoo...

we all fall down.

marco....

you're supposed to say polo.

the musics stopped...

but there are no chairs.

you don't get it. and i clearly have no idea...
the rules keep changing. there are no rules!

what game are we playing?

either he doesn't hear her, because he isn't listening, or he chooses not to hear her because its just easier to deal with her that way.
she might as well be speaking in a foreign language. she might as well not say anything at all.
perhaps he just doesn't get her, perhaps he's just used to her tirades, perhaps he finds them entertaining.

perhaps perhaps perhaps.

i'm tired. she says. stick a fork in me, i'm just about done. the game is...
not that bad. he interjects.
he laughs and flashes her a grin

she rolls her eyes again. thinking... not for you maybe.
chewing on her thumbnail, she weighs it all up.
mmm ok... maybe one more round. she thinks to herself.

in the end, the stupid game still draws her in. but perhaps its 'cause deep down, she hopes that maybe... just maybe... one day, she'll get it.

or maybe at least, one day she'll get smarter.

;)

on a side note: gotten parental approval for snowboarding... =D hahaha cannot wait! its been way too long. ok... almost 1 down... overall 3 more to go.

theres just not enough hours in the day

2008-05-10T01:55:00.000+10:00

to chocolate overdose, super highness and crashing hard, taboo and overall great company. cheers =D
ok... i've had my enjoyment for the weekend...

better sleep now

2008-05-08T19:59:00.002+10:00

majorly stressed. stop wasting time!

i want! i want

2008-05-07T12:16:00.004+10:00

urgh i want my own flying suit now!!!!! and i want those palm repulsors! totally cool! haha wish i were genius level and filthy rich so i could make it all! haha i've always wanted to fly... that would be the best feeling ever! the only dreams i remember (because they're recurring dreams) are either dreams of flying, or my teeth falling out... (don't laugh!! it totally freaks me out!!! they just start to like crumble and i'm like spitting my own teeth out one by one. not cool.)

iron man was really good! haha very entertaining, i loved tony stark's wit and humor! haha i know some of us girls were swooning a little there... (hahaha you know who you are, i won't embarrass you!) arrogance/confidence? very fine line. though, as attractive as it may seem initially, i'm guessing that after awhile, you'd be on the verge of telling a guy like that to get over themselves. haha its probably best that he stays fictional... HAHA

haha i was telling GY how going to the cinema is so bad for me, sitting in the previews i realize... oh no, i am going to be so broke. (oh! oh! i could just... not go for the previews... then i wouldn't be so tempted... nahh who am i kidding... makes no difference really anyway i'd still want to see the movies)
HAHA and the first two movies are being released during exam prep or exam time... oohhh booyyyy. self control amy! self discipline!!

reallyreallywanttowatch movie list:

indiana jones and the kingdom of the crystal skull
chronicles of narnia: prince caspian
the dark knight

ok, now i have to focus and catch up with all my work... is that a rude awakening or what? stop procrastinating amy!!! focus! focus!! alrightythen

over and done

2008-05-06T11:22:00.000+10:00

finally. moving on now.

its funny how you spend so much time with people and then, you part your separate ways. well... not really laugh out loud funny, but one of those, short exhalation of air and sardonic sort of smile 'funny'

anyway... its done, no looking back and wondering whether it was the right decision to make...

better not to have any regrets, and sometimes i think that having no regrets involves not thinking too much about it. instead: focusing on the future, not always hesitantly taking small steps forward and looking back.

its over and done.

greedyguts

2008-05-04T20:01:00.004+10:00

more of you Lord, and less of me.

You're absolutely unbelievably awesome.

i would write more, but i've left my laptop charger at my 'other home' hehehe and so my battery has like 5 minutes left. all i can say is God is amazing. and it is so good to just come before Him and soak in His presence. refreshed because of You, tired in the body, but buzzing and so excited in the the spirit. =D

moment of weakness

2008-05-02T00:00:00.001+10:00

after the day i've had... you'll forgive me this moment of weakness. after the day i've had? i give myself permission to collapse into a fit of gushiness and gah gah. so excuse me for a moment? while i get this out of my system? haha

omgosh omgosh omgosh!!! arghhhh melt melt melt! heart in a puddle, right there, down on the floor. haha ok, so maybe you're wondering what has gotten my heart aflutter:

every time she walks away from you she's miserable, and i care about how she feels, i care! i know what you think, but this isn't just a crush. ok? maybe after so many years, you just don't see it. do you know how many women think like that? and look like that? and laugh like that? and care? one. so far i've met one. and yes, she's... she's out of my league in every possible way, but i don't care. she... dazzles me. and i'm not stupid enough to hope that one day i'll meet someone like her when the time is right, because i won't. i love her. ok? and i guarantee you, i wouldn't make her cry.

- dell private practice

cuteness!!! be still my beating heart. hahaha when was the last time i absolutely melted? haha could very well be zac efron in hairspray, oh boy. zac efron and dell have beautiful babyblues i think i have a thing for blue eyes. and gorgeous smiles, but that was no revelation to me. hahaha

but i don't think its the attractiveness that set my heart badoombadoom
rather, it was the intensity? that he was willing to fight for her? girls want a guy who thinks that she's worth fighting for. (agree with me on this one girls?) a guy who thinks that she's worth pursuing? haha but then again, things are way more complicated than just that.

tv, movies, books, etc have ruined me for life! hahaha i'm being melodramatic. why is it always so cute and meltyourheart when its fictional, but soooo embarassing or cringe-worthy when it happens to you in real life? huh? huh? meh, i find myself confusing sometimes.

haha ok... enough. no more gushing.

well... at least for tonight ;) gnite

wisdom please?

2008-04-30T18:57:00.002+10:00

when my heart and head rebel against one another

why is it never straightforward?

placing it in the right hands

2008-04-29T18:53:00.000+10:00

i think i'm losing faith in humanity.

but You still remain.

He is the Rock, His works are perfect and all His ways are just. a faithful God who does no wrong, upright and just is He.
- Deuteronomy 32:4

'music is the literature of the heart'

2008-04-28T21:42:00.004+10:00

i've always kinda loved sad/emo songs (and i've noticed sad songs are generally like sad break up/unrequited love songs gosh... what a surprise haha) and lately i can't stop listening to them. my playlist today included damien rice, joshua radin (love the cello in their music) and anna nalick . i've had damien rice's delicate and anna nalick's wreck of the day stuck in my head.

hahaha i like this line, its really clever

'cause love doesn't hurt, so i know i'm not falling in love,

i'm just falling to pieces...

- wreck of the day anna nalick

i picked up the cello for the first time in ages the other day, a little rusty... and the callouses on my fingers have to be built up again. haha but its coming back to me (you'd hope so right? after all that time and energy invested) actually i think most of the time, when you learn music, you want to be able to play without thinking, to have practiced it so much that you've memorized it so that when nerves kick in, you won't draw a blank and it has already become second nature. instinct i guess? fingers just moving on their own accord.

its funny how when you don't have that added pressure of exams, it becomes so much more enjoyable.

i heart You?

2008-04-24T20:42:00.008+10:00

create in me a pure heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me
-Psalm 51:10

teach me Your way, O Lord, and i will walk in Your truth, give me an undivided heart, that i may fear Your name.
-Psalm 86:11

my flesh and heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever
-Psalm 73:26

in Him our hearts rejoice, for we trust in His holy name
-Psalm 33:21

my heart says of You, "seek His face!" Your face, Lord i will seek
- Psalm 27:8

trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding, in all of your ways acknowledge Him and He shall direct your path
-Proverbs 3:5-6

love the Lord your God with all your heart and will all your soul and with all your strength
-Deuteronomy 6:5

since then, you have been raised with Christ, set your heart on the things above, where Christ is seated at the right hand of God
-Colossians 3:1

mmm... You know me better than i know myself. message heard loud and clear... haha

i'm wrestling with my own heart. but there is Hope yet. thankful that i have Your promises to cling onto...

so i lay it down...... again. its a good thing You're so patient with me! hahaha

one step.
one step at a time.

to always be striving to the point that when i say, i heart You, You know i mean it. with all my heart.
with Your help.
only with Your help.

love

2008-04-21T14:58:00.003+10:00

love is proactive, not reactive or passive. see a need and meet it.

only with Gods help.

You are amazing God

Then we will no longer be infants, tossed back and forth by the waves, and blown here and there by every wind of teaching and by the cunning and craftiness of men in their deceitful scheming. Instead, speaking the truth in love, we will in all things grow up into Him who is the Head, that is, Christ. From Him, the whole body, joined and held together by every supporting ligament, grows and builds itself up in love, as each part does its work.
- Ephesians 4:14-16

the random things that make me laugh... and make me look like a complete weirdo....

2008-04-17T21:41:00.008+10:00

i saw a guy stroking his beard the other day... and was strangely amused... then i caught the thought rushing through my head heyyy if i had a beard... i would totally fiddle with it too.. twirl it between my fingers like i twirl my hair...woahhhhhh where did that come from? visual of amy with a beard... ewwwww.. gross DON'T SAY IT! whatever u were gonna say!! DON'T SAY IT!

A little kid trying to convince his mum to get him some candy or something: please?please?please?please?please? i think by the end of the train ride, everyone was silently begging the mother to get him the candy... hahaha

and then there are those times when highschool kids talk is such loud voices. ohhhh he's so in love with you! like... did u see the way he looked ur way... it was like... longer than 5 seconds..
you guys would like, make, like, the most beautiful, like, kids? (honestly though... why would u talk that loud on the train with such an embarrassing topic eh?)
its a struggle not to laugh...haha but there certainly is major mental eyerolling going on my part. and then the other half of me that thinks... pleeeeease tell me i was not like that!

girls need attention and boys need us, so lets make everybody glad
reasons to love you - Meiko

this song came up on random today for my music player on the tram and i couldn't help the little laugh that escaped. i got a couple of weird looks..... haha true or not? girls are attention seeking? and guys can't live without us girls? HAHA

actually... come to think of it, most of my embarrassing.. why-on-earth-is-she-laughing? looks or inch-away-from-the-crazy-girl-slowly moments happen on the train.

i kinda like train rides home... specially on a nice sunny day. nice reflective time

on a side note. when i was walking home from the train station today, this cat tried to follow me home... was really cute... haha it kept weaving itself between my legs... and prancing ahead before waiting for me to catch up... adorable! still a dog person at heart though... =D

okileydokiley =D thats all from me today. i'm doing pretty good... a post a day for the last 2 days? she says in a smug voice... haha i think i'm talking a bit like the occassionalbutsilentblogreader. haha krys i love this joining all your words thing... since meeting u its become second nature to be able to read it... and guessing acronyms!

old and maturing?

2008-04-16T18:00:00.001+10:00

and its a little embarrassing to think about herself just a couple of years ago. major cringing when she thinks of how she acted back then. she winces as she reads through her journals and diaries. spelling errors here, huge grammatical mistakes there. all those so called grievous wrongs committed against her that threatened her very happiness seem so very trivial now. at this point, she cannot comprehend why she wasted so much energy and effort. she is amazed by how different her priorities were, the amount of time she ate away, obsessing and feeding her heart with useless nothings. and she groans at how ridiculous those 'crushes' were. she realizes just how young she was, and how she was in such a hurry to grow up. then she catches herself wondering gosh... is this what it feels like to be old and maturing??? bahhhhh!!!

shes been in a reflective mood lately. re-evaluating certain priorities, characteristics and flaws. sometimes (more often than not) she struggles to focus, coming to the realization just how easy it is for other things to take her heart. He reminds her to seek Him first. in the quiet and stillness she prays for an undivided heart. to be desperate for more. to hear His voice.

and He is faithful. He constantly makes her new, shaping and molding her heart.

she is constantly in awe of how far He has brought her. of how He walks with her and calls her His.

Your grace has found me just as i am, empty handed but alive in Your hands
forever i am changed by Your love

thank You

warm and fuzzies

2008-04-12T22:58:00.007+10:00

i think this is going to be a really long post... (i'm crediting this idea to tallulah)

to all my girls: sorry if i've missed anyone out... haha but i've been so very blessed by all of you... and i'm soo thankful that God has placed you into my life. thank you for being you! haha

carina tallulah lau: you truly are beautiful... inside and out... and my first impression was so very off! (IQ you are not!) you've provided so many smiles and laughs... and i've sooo enjoyed our talks too! i really think you underestimate the joy that you bring into our lives =D little ray of sunshine!

gayle: haha i have to think up a nickname for u... what can i say? thank you for listening to me! you're such a great listener! hahaha i've so enjoyed our talks... haha its like you know exactly how to respond... the ohh nos!! or awwwwwwwwwwsss... or laughing at my lame jokes..hahaha its been so nice to chat and see that we aren't alone in it all, thank you for your encouragement =D hehe

stesh: don't know whether you read my blog... haha but you have been sooo great! thank you for opening up your home to me! your hospitality has been unbelievable... and you are such a blessing to everyone around you... including me! haha thank you for being so warm and friendly when we first met! haha i immediately liked you =D hehe and that first impression was spot on =D hehehe...i like you even more! take care ok?

giggly little girl chui: hahaha its been loads of fun! haha i know we tease you heaps for always laughing and giggling... but its actually a joy to see you unable to stop... haha so don't stop! =D

kelly (pelly?): i know you read my blog at some point... not sure bout now.. haha but you have such a sweet personality and a pure heart... truly. =D hehe you're a lovely person! keep smiling =)

steph: haha you seriously seriously make me laugh! haha i love how genuine you are... haha and you say the funniest things! hehe really enjoyed getting to know you!!!

krys: i can't begin to describe how much you have encouraged and blessed me... thank you so much! mm... seeing you and the way that you seek God has really spurred me on... you are a wonderful role model and great race partner! lets catch up soon yes?? hehe hope your assignments are going well! =D

jan: hahaha i'm so looking forward to our august date! u are such a warm person and the love that you have for God is amazing... take care in Singapore!!!

frances: haha noo idea whether you read my blog... hahah but we miss you!! and we miss cutie and sweetie! i'm beginning to really appreciate just how much effort you put last year... and really... thank you so much! you are such a blessing... keep running the race well!!!

trace: babe, i really hope that your eye gets better... take care of yourself yes? ur gorgeous!!! hehe thanks for all the good memories... for all the squeals... phone calls...too much informations... and embarrassing me in public... hahaha i can always trust you to be honest with me... sweetheart you are irreplaceable! hehe looking forward to more great times in the future! tehehe (btw... i tried to look for the brightest pink... but i think this is the brightest pink there is)

phoony: its funny how we know you too well... does it scare you that trace and i can read you that well?? haha thanks for all the lifts sweetheart! haha even though u freak me out everytime you go through those yellow lights... you really are cutting it close you know? yellow to red? very close. thank you for your generosity! u've been like a sister to me (as have you trace... if you've read this far... haha despite knowing all each others faults... hehe still love you!) really consider you part of the family.... haha we should catch up more... yes girls? study hard phoon!!! study hard!!!

last but not least... mummy: mmm... i thank God everyday for you... i don't know what i would be if i had not been born into your love and encouragement..... thank you so much for all your prayers, sacrifice and love. thank you for being my number one fan (apart from daddy as well) haha and my greatest (constructive) critic. mm truly God is amazing to have given me a mother like you =) i'll never grow out of being your daughter... hahaha

hehe love you all! hahah all warm and fuzzy now... hahaha that was fun! hehe take care beautiful girls!

haha sorry to the guys who do read this blog and i haven't written anything for u... hahaha all i can say is that... if i did... i would be suggesting that i considered you one of my girls.. sooooooo be thankful u weren't included... haha but i reckon all you guys in my life rock too!!!

girls... lets talk

2008-04-06T15:38:00.011+10:00

I think we all know that today's perception of beauty is distorted . that , as girls, in the back of our minds we are aware that those images of 'beautiful' women that we are bombarded with , are in fact not realistic and photo-shopped. and yet it is still such a struggle for us. our sense of self worth has been so battered. our hearts have been so bruised. and the worse thing is, we are embarrassed by our desire to be considered beautiful.

it is really is a journey... finding our validation, confidence and assurance in our FirstLove. TheOne who is so deeply in love with us. we will never find someone who will complete us, and we will fail if we search for that in people. God longs to pursue us, He longs for us to seek His face. and i know the thing that really gets me is: He will never reject your heart. His Love never fails. He loves us unconditionally.. unconditionally. you don't have to struggle with your quest to be beautiful. because you are beautiful...

The King is enthralled by your beauty, honor Him for He is your Lord.
- Psalm 45:11

All beautiful you are, my darling; there is no flaw in you.
-Song of Songs 4:7

"Arise my darling, and come with Me."
-Song of Songs 2:10

You make me beautiful, You make me stand in awe. You look inside my heart, and I am amazed. I love to hear You say, who I am is quite enough. You make me worthy of love and beautiful.
-Beautiful Bethany Dillon

spider-little-man

2008-04-03T23:57:00.003+11:00

theres something about children... life is a thrilling adventure to them. black and white. princesses and warriors. delighting in small things. never worrying about tomorrow. no shame. living in each moment. never artificial laughs. cheeky grins. capable of such adoration. naive and trusting. firm little grip of their hand.

little terrors or little angels? hahaha

and... my house has a hole in its roof

2008-04-02T18:34:00.004+11:00

for real. my roof has a hole in it... well... 2... and i'm trying to figure out whether the first hole is supposed to be there....
and that sounded stranger than it needed to be... let me explain: well... there appears to be a gap between 2 tiles in maybe what is the apex of the roof? it seems pretty straight? like... as though it was intentionally placed there? although... granted, i am not entirely sure if it is supposed to be there, or whether the builder did shoddy work... or perhaps the storm caused two separate holes in the roof. I mean... what purpose would a hole in the roof serve? evidently it's not there for ventilation. haha... anyway... hole number 1 doesn't seem to allow water in... (which is a good thing... and makes me more inclined to be unusually fond of hole number 1 because it adds character to my house) whilst the other hole, hole number 2 is clearly not meant to be there... and is now allowing drop drop drops of water into our house... time to call roof seal? 18007070? hahaha if that is the correct number... then the jingle has successfully managed to brainwash me and do its job... oh no... i can foresee this jingle being stuck in my head for a while to come... QUICK give me another song to replace it with!

2008-03-29T17:38:00.004+11:00

left my fear by the side of the road
hear You speak i won't let go
fall to my knees as I lift my hands to pray

got every reason to be here again
Father's love that draws me in
and all my eyes want to see is a glimpse of You

all i need is You Lord, is You Lord, all I need is You

one more day and it's not the same
Your spirit calls my heart to sing
drawn to the voice of my Saviour once again

where would my soul be without Your Son?
gave His life to save the earth
i'll rest in the thought that You're watching over me

all i need is You Lord, is You Lord
all i need is You.

My soul finds rest in God alone; my salvation comes from Him.
-Psalm 62:1

the stars will light the sky for You

2008-03-25T13:44:00.005+11:00

i really love camps, for the time you get to spend with friends, talking till the early hours of dawn, about anything and everything. the silly stuff where you laugh till your stomach, throat and head hurts. the deep stuff, where you share your hurts and hopes, encouraging one another. i love getting away from the city lights, to a place where nothing obscures the stars or the moon indeed... even the heavens declare Gods glory.

the universe is at Your feet
gives You praise, evermore
the stars will light the sky for You
always, God be praised!

and we sing, the Lord is on high
the Lord is on high

i adore You, i adore You
and theres none that compares to Your majesty oh Lord
i adore You, i adore You
and i'll stand, in the wonder of Your love

God You are good. seal everything that You have done in our hearts. may we continue to seek Your face for the rest of our days.

one thing i ask of You Lord, that I may dwell in the house of the Lord all the days of my life, to gaze at the beauty of the Lord and to seek Him in His temple...
my heart says of You, "seek His face!" Your face, Lord, I will seek"...
teach me Your way, O Lord; lead me in a straight path...
i am still confident of this: I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living.
Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord.

- Psalm 27:4, 8, 11, 13-14

2008-03-17T15:28:00.004+11:00

my chains are gone,
i've been set free
my God my Saviour, has ransomed me
and like a flood, his mercy reigns
unending love, amazing grace

It is for freedom that Christ has set us free
-Galatians 5:1

not to be bound by sin, guilt, insecurity, hurts, fear or pride.
nope. it is for the freedom of living in His mercy. living in His grace. living in His perfect and unending love.
mmm... because of Your goodness, something resonates deep within my spirit. without Your grace i am nothing.
What to say Lord? iloveYou and thankYou, the words don't seem enough... let it be more than words =)

if because although

2008-01-29T00:10:00.002+11:00

Love unfailing,
Overtaking my heart...
You take me in.
Finding peace again
Fear is lost in all you are

to lose myself in the assurance of Your Love... to search for You and find peace...

not if... not because... let it be although...

nocturnal

2008-01-10T00:52:00.000+11:00

my system is unbelievably stuffed up... i realize that most people during holidays sleep like at 3am. but sleeping at 4am till 2 pm the next day makes me feel like a sloth... minus the th and adding a b. hahaha.. though sloth works too ...
i need to be able to wake up earlier than 12pm!

did you know?

the purpose of sleep isn't so that your body can give itself rest. instead, sleep is really so that your brain can restructure memories. as this is fundamentally needed for the survival of most mammals, the tiredness experienced as a result of a lack of sleep is the body's way of telling you that you're stupid.

some people are known to sleep with their eyes slightly open. (freaky)

in 1998 a study was done with results indicating that shining a bright light at the back of the knee would reset the brain's sleep-wake clock. scientists have been unable to explain why.

it is recommended that teenagers sleep 9 hours... whilst adults should sleep 8 hours at least. (and how many of us actually do that? haha)

ok... i need to wake up hours earlier that 12 tomorrow....i mean today... so i'm off to bed.. gnite!

metaphor

2008-01-05T02:03:00.001+11:00

happy belated new year! ok... its been ages since my last post i realize... so i'll make this one extra long to make up for it... haha

i can't believe its a new year... i can't believe time passes by that quickly! i've finished my first year of uni. and it wasn't anything like i expected... i don't mean that in a negative way or anything, it was just; different but good. haha JL asked me how i would rate the year out of 10... my response? well it was a 9.

haha i've already anticipated the risk of me becoming incredibly sappy and reminiscing over all the great times (which would take me ages) soooo... i won't do that... haha it doesn't seem necessary. those moments would be in no way as personal to you as they are to me. but all in all i'd describe this year as perhaps a turning point in my life.

i think its the lessons that i've learned... (or rather that i hope that i've learned so that i won't have to repeat them... haha) its i guess... discovering more of who i am...and who i want to be... (gosh and that didn't sound corny at all.... hahaha) but in all seriousness... finding that my identity is in Him and that above all... i am loved by Him... through the hard times and the great times. turning point.

while i was in hong kong, i went on the roller coaster ride called the dragon in ocean park. and i came to the incredibly profound and oh-so-original conclusion that life is like a roller coaster ride. haha yep. theres the obvious: ups and the downs... then you have then unexpected turns. moments when you find things have turned upside down and leaves you feeling disorientated. moments where you're completely freaked out and can't help the scream that escapes your lips... and you think to yourself: stop. i want to get off this ride.
but then there are those moments where you laugh and grin stupidly at the pure exhilaration of it all. and when you think about it, an Engineer has sat down and carefully planned each track and each turn. He's not only considered where you're heading, but your safety: those seat beats that keep you firmly in your seat... allowing you to defy gravity, making you feel secure... and perhaps lending you the courage to get onto the ride in the first place.

For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."
-Jeremiah 29:11

2007? it was great. again... i have no idea what to expect for 2008... i know there are going to be changes... challenges. but bring it on. hahaha i'm looking forward to it. unexpected turns, roller coaster rides? all part of the fun and brilliance that is life. =D
carpe diem. because its painfully obvious that life is short. before you know it the ride is over. so seize the day. and love every moment of it.

nothing left to say

2007-12-05T02:21:00.001+11:00

i'll raise my hands and praise the God who gives and takes away

and i'll praise you in this storm and i will lift my hands

for You are who You are, no matter where i am

and every tear I've cried, You hold in your hand

You never left my side

and though my heart is torn, i will praise You in this storm

My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.

-Psalm 73:26

please give us strength

kids in a candy store

2007-12-01T02:15:00.000+11:00

picture this: a boy and a girl, eyes wide and round... gaping at the huge amounts and variety of lollies. mesmerised by the assortment of rainbow coloured chewy gummy sugar coated lollies. totally entertained with the full intention of taking advantage of the free samples available. their exclamations and giggles do not go unnoticed by the surrounding customers.
now... back up a little... minor adjustment: when i say a boy and a girl... i don't mean of primary school age... rather... if i really stop to consider it... i should be saying two fully grown adults, a male and a female. yep. definitely not kids. and yes...i would be referring to my brother and i. and the result of this whole...(for want of a better word) incident has inevitably raised this one question in my mind: is it possible to get high on sugar purely by inhaling it?

its been years and years since my brother and i entered a candy store... it has also been way too long since we had the sweets of our childhood. blue sharks, cola bears... all the goodness of sugary-guaranteed-to-rot-your-teeth stuff... yummy... (which for the record we purchased)
i have also made an immensely fascinating discovery about my brother: he gets insanely insistent and bossy when it comes to gummy lollies.... other candy doesn't melt his self control (or dignity) as rapidly as gummy lollies. nope. if i want to bribe.. whoops i meant persuade him to do something... gummy lollies are the way to go. (how could i not have noticed earlier? he has hid his weakness well... hahaha) whats wrong with you? the spades not even full! no. when i say full... i mean full. what.. did you fail maths or something? that's definitely half empty and no where near full. geez... you hold the bag! let me do it! hahahah yes... he actually did say stuff like that... (though of course at times i exaggerate... call it creative license... i'll leave it to your discernment to work out exact words from fiction haha) whilst i was rendered speechless due to the mass hysterics i was momentarily suffering.

gosh i love those moments... when you completely don't act your age... and honestly don't care. =D

great times... i'm having fun.

Your plan

2007-11-24T16:23:00.001+11:00

of all the people who has impacted me the most, my mother has imparted so much into my life. i can always trust my mum to be brutally honest with me... from... what you're wearing is not flattering to you need to fix this part of your character and get yourself right before God. and i guess at times that moment can be a point of tension but i was reminded today of just how much my mum has gone through, the immense suffering and sacrifice that she was often forced to experience. how, by the grace of God, she truly has been a blessing to me, and to so many more. despite so much, God has seen her through, and she acknowledges that by her struggles and pain God has positioned her to be able to help so many more people, to be able to relate to them and be a testimony of God's mercy and love. my mum is not perfect... and we naturally have our disagreements... but if i can be half the woman of God she is.... ultimately she has sacrificed so much for us and:

Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. "Honor your father and mother"—which is the first commandment with a promise— that it may go well with you and that you may enjoy long life on the earth.
- Ephesians 6:1-3

something i need to always remember. hahaha even though i may be nearly twenty, my mum will always be my mother... my dad will always by my father... and i should honor them.
relying on You to help me....

but yeah... when i think about it... its amazing... i sometimes wonder how i would be with different parents... not even looking at the genetics, but from the perspective of character. haha God's plan is so amazing, how he brought my parents together... how at so many points in time,things may have worked out differently...

O Lord, You have searched me, and You know me.
You know when i sit and when i rise.; You perceive my thoughts from afar.
You discern my going out and my lying down;
You are familiar with all my ways.
Before a word is on my tongue You know it completely, O Lord....

for You created my inmost being;
You knit me together in my mother's womb.
i praise You because i am fearfully and wonderfully made;
Your works are wonderful, i know that full well
my frame was not hidden from You when i was made in the secret place
when i was woven together in the depths of the earth,
Your eyes saw my unformed body.
all the days ordained for me were written in Your book before one of them came to be.
how precious to me are Your thoughts, O God!
how vast is the sum of them!
were i to count them, they would outnumber the grains of sand.
when i am awake, i am still with You.
- Psalm 139:1-4. 13-18

You are my safeguard. You go before me. i know i am in safe hands

raindrops

2007-11-21T01:07:00.000+11:00

gutta cavat lapidem, non vi sed saepe cadendo
the drop of rain maketh a hole in the stone, not by violence, but by oft falling.
-Bishop Hugh Latimer 1549

persistence. perseverance. patience.

all i want

2007-11-19T01:51:00.001+11:00

sometimes i struggle with the words to express myself... and its at those times i really appreciate worship songs. i think, when i was younger, it was the melody and instruments that mattered more to me, it was what determined how much i liked the song.

but i remember, a couple of years ago during worship, i began to consider the words that i was singing. what they meant. why i was singing. it was like suddenly, i was asking myself: do these words mean anything to you? cause if they don't, if you don't mean it... then, can you call this worship? lip service seems to be the more appropriate term.

when the words come from your heart, well..at the risk of stating the obvious: it makes it mean so much more. you don't sing a love song to someone when you don't mean it. if anything, that would be cruel wouldn't it? and essentially, worship songs are love songs to God.

haha i like that: worship, is like serenading Him.

that being said, melody still matters to me, there are times when i have no words, but in free worshiping a melody rises up in my spirit that i find i have to sing, even when there are no words, but theres a release in doing that all the same. haha music is another language, another way of expression right?

When all is said and done
And everyone is gone
Lord You're really all I want
When the best the world has
Just leaves me feeling numb
Lord You're really all I want

All that I long for all that I hope for
Is just that sense of You coming near
All that my heart is hungry to have is
Just one more touch from Your loving hand

When all is said and done
Lord You're all I want

summer

2007-11-16T00:50:00.000+11:00

know what i don't like about summer? flies. sweatiness and ickyness. too hot and humid days.

know what i love about summer? sunshine. blue skies. beach. ice cream and gelati. mangoes, watermelon, plums, cherries. water fights. ice cubes. barbeques. picnics. longer days. not having to bring a jacket when you go out. lazing on the grass under some shade. the feeling of walking into an air-conditioned room after the scorching heat. drinking cold lemonade. a cool breeze. and most of all.... HOLIDAYS!!!! tehehehe

after tomorrow? its 3 months of holidays... and I cannot wait!

extraordinary

2007-11-03T00:51:00.001+11:00

every now and again, theres a question i have to ask myself.

i know i’m not like my brother. its in my brother’s nature to set very high standards for himself. he strives to be the best that he can be. he’s a perfectionist. me? haha i have standards, but my parents would describe me as being perhaps a little too easy going. haha whilst it sometimes is a good thing, and allows me to be content with what i have, i think the insinuation is that perhaps i have a tendency to settle for less. to be complacent.

so i guess thats why i know i have to stop occasionally and ask myself, am i getting too comfortable?

am i getting content with living a comfortable life? am i settling for less? am i living less than an extraordinary life? because anything less than extraordinary is just plain ordinary. its normal, regular, common, average, mundane. haha and if someone were to describe me in one word, i know i wouldn’t be content with any of those synonyms. because I know my God has created me to be so much more than ordinary.

which begs the question: what does it take to live a more than ordinary life? when i think about it, there are a couple of possibilities that come to mind... things like faith, love, joy, peace, humility, patience, gentleness... but ultimately, as always, the answer is Him.

when they saw the courage of Peter and John and realized that they were unschooled, ordinary men, they were astonished and they took note that these men had been with Jesus.

-Acts 4:13

there is nothing else. no one else. just You.

practice

2007-10-29T23:41:00.000+11:00

Helped my brother practice his OSCI yesterday, haha allowed him to practice a patient examination on my wrist and knee. I’ve been a little cautious about allowing myself to be his guinea pig or ‘practice’ ever since i came home one day, walked into the kitchen and saw mum and andrew talking. Andrew then sat me down, and began by asking how much do you love me? Naturally... i was stunned... my gaze happened to wander down towards the kitchen table when i noticed a syringe, some swabs and saline solution. As you can imagine, my apprehension rose up a notch. My eyes flickered back towards my brother. Oh no. No.no.no. you cannot be serious.

I need the practice!.

Uncontrollably and regrettably, my voice rose an extra octave. Practice!?!? I’m not letting you touch me until you’ve had more practice!!

Come on... who else can i practice on? You’re my sister! I would let you practice on me if you studied med!

Get real. As if you would. you hate needles more than i do. I searched his eyes and face, in a desperate attempt to detect a hint of some pathetic practical joke. Hmmmm....

Mum! he’s lying right?

Dad and i have already agreed to do it, you know he needs practice.

oh oh. Mum wouldn’t lie to me.

You want me to pass don’t you? It won’t really hurt. Much.

LIAR!!! thats the biggest needle i’ve ever seen.

Ok ok. Fine. I’ll walk you through what i’d do. My brother then proceeded to mime injecting the syringe into my forearm, and then pretending to apply pressure (jabbing me) a couple of times. I reclaimed ownership of my arm, before glaring at my brother and gritting out.

You are NOT doing that with a real needle.

then i caught it, the merest flicker of laughter in his eyes. A twitching in the corner of his mouth quickly suppressed.

Urgh. You liar!!! i knew it!! You wouldn’t be this insistent if it was true... but mum supported your stupid....... mum lied. MUM LIED! MUMMMMMMM!!!!! How could you?!?!

At this point, Andrew and mum had collapsed into a fit of laughter...

it was just a little test...

How much do you love me? You were testing how much i loved you??? You manipulating little... argh... oh.oh. so not cool.

Hahaha ok...so after a couple of moments, i could clearly see the humour in the whole thing... but obviously, my brother doesn’t inspire much confidence in me now when he asks if he can ‘practice’ on me.

Well anyway. Today... came home and saw a whole collection of swabs, a syringe, needle and saline solution sitting on the kitchen table. Similar process again. Haha me strongly dissenting. Until, my Dad asked, if he can’t practice on the family, how is he going to learn? Great. Andrew really isn’t kidding this time. And he wasn’t insisting either. Just quiet puppy-dog-eyes. Argh. Done for.

Ok, fine. But you only get one shot. Understand? Thats it. No more. Don’t screw up.

So, my brother went and got the materials. Sat down again, and then asked really? You’re actually agreeing to let me do this? hold on. he wouldn't hesitate. that would give me too much time to reconsider.

Urgh. Click. I can’t believe i fell for it again. he didn’t even have to pull the don’t you love me stunt. he's getting better at manipulating me! And even worse... Daddy lied!

Am i gullible or what?!

note to self: family can not be trusted.

hahahahaha

from the bottom of my heart

2007-10-29T20:35:00.001+11:00

awestruck and amazed. i'm lost for words. you're awesome.
thank You so much.

anticipating

2007-10-27T22:51:00.000+10:00

hmm... well i've finally been able to commit myself to it. to be honest, when i received the final confirmation that i'd been praying so long for, i was a little stunned. i think i just sat there with my mouth a little open... and blinked. a couple of times. before realizing that i must have looked a little foolish.. tried to collect my thoughts but not before i blurted out... ever-so-eloquently thats it?
then it occurred to me, isn't this what you prayed for? peace?

i have no idea what to expect next year. haha all i know is that things are going to be different. interesting. fun. busy. challenging... but like every year, better than the last. i'm looking forward to it. haha JL and BY are gonna have to deal with me =D tehehe feeling sorry for them already.

Lord would You go ahead before me, prepare my heart, my hands and feet. give me a teachable spirit. equip me. help me to impact and encourage, nurture and love. give me insight. a discerning spirit. keep me from stumbling others. let me be a blessing... but most of all... help me to keep falling more and more in love with You.

its gonna be great.

utterly useless?

2007-10-25T21:34:00.001+10:00

reminds me so much of IB and cramming in general... how much do i remember of year 12? barely any... how much do i remember from last semester? not nearly enough.

gets me in the right mood to study... not.
HAHAHA

can you tell i'm procrastinating?

hug?

2007-10-24T22:16:00.000+10:00

the average person needs 3 hugs a day... those who know me well, know how much i love hugs.. i’d say i need more than 3 a day... hahaha

often when i’m upset/lonely/stressed/frustrated/anxious i crave hugs. Its the one habit my family have noticed that i develop when i’m stressed (ie. exam or assignment times) i require more hugs... i guess its for assurance, a feeling of security, the warmth of it that brings me comfort and makes me feel loved.

haha there have been times when perhaps i’ve left assignments or study to the last minute, and hence the stress... and i’ve had to ask my parents to please skip the lecture and just give me the hug? the hug would momentarily soothe the panic attack (which i’m not usuall prone to... but when it occurs... its like i’ve convinced myself that i don’t deserve to pass. haha) but eventually i’d need to go back for another hug. it becomes an addiction...

in all honesty? the only times i truly find peace is when I seek Him with all my heart and commit it all into His hands. its only then that His reassurance washes over me.. His peace and love envelopes me... just like a hug... but better. =D

hahaha it would be nice if i could remember this everytime...and save myself the embarrassment of a panic attack.

how can i keep from singing Your praise?

2007-10-24T00:00:00.000+10:00

a thousand times i've failed, still Your mercy remains
should i stumble again, i'm caught in Your grace
everlasting, Your light will shine when all else fades
never ending, Your glory goes beyond all fame

Your will above all else, my purpose remains
the art of losing myself, in bringing You praise
everlasting, Your light will shine when all else fades
never ending, Your glory goes beyond all fame

my heart and my soul, i give You control
consume me from the inside out
Lord, let justice and praise become my embrace,
to love You from the inside out

everlasting, Your light will shine when all else fades,
never ending Your glory goes beyond all fame
and the cry of my heart is to bring You praise
from the inside out, Lord my soul cries out

above all else my purpose remains, the art of losing myself in bringing You praise. everything within me burns to sing Your praise; from the inside out, Lord my soul cries out.

Despite all my shortcoming, all the mistakes that i make... You still love me, more than anyone else ever could.

those three words just aren't enough. but for all that its worth...

i love You

great times

2007-10-22T12:18:00.000+10:00

its funny how sometimes you don't realize just how much you missed doing certain things...until you do them again.

haha i had a great time on sat with AP... and it brought back these great memories... can you believe that it was this time last year we were studying together so very hard.. all those times we would try and motivate one another... (haha like... this is the last time you'll be doing maths... argh and here i am doing QM... which incorporates statistics the thing i hated the most in maths) setting a goal to complete a topic and then going off and doing the thing that was so distracting... and struggling to get back into it again? lazing on your bed and talking, going through your wardrobe... and then deciding whether its worth risking the freezing cold water and going for a swim...
can you believe it? here we are... studying what we wanted to study... and thinking... geeezzz i thought i was done with exams! wow... sometimes it seems like it was a lifetime ago... but yet... i still remember it so clearly...
thanks for the great times =D hehe i'll be coming over more during the hols ;D

oh, and i so would not tap that... sorrryyy....but i still love you! HAHAHA

love love love

the little voice inside my head

2007-10-18T23:38:00.001+10:00

Its kinda funny how sometimes in a particular moment... a little voice inside your head goes... ohhhhh bad idea.... this is so gonna happen...
but you ignore it... thinking... i'm being careful.. and then whoops...
and the little voice inside your head spits out something useful, like: i told you so......moron

i had one of those moments the other day. I was cutting a pear and i couldn't be bothered getting out the chopping board. so, i did it the insanely stupidly moronic way. held the pear in my hand, whilst cutting not away from my hand... but towards it... (uhhuh... a profoundly intelligent idea... but what can i say... i have my moments) and the little voice inside my head pipes up... uh uh... bad idea... but: the oh-so-confident-self rationalizes... nah... i'm being careful...if i'm aware of the risk... it won't happen...

and the little voice inside my head retreats, muttering to itself: fool... just you wait...
so, whilst cutting... my brother distracts me...the knife slips... and i slice my hand. and of course... the little voice inside my head does a little dance whilst singing oh-so-loudly i told you so... i told you so... HA!

Don't worry... i have a point to all this... and it isn't that i'm losing my mind hearing 'voices'. and it probably isn't so simplistic as: moral of the story? listen to the voice inside your head.

in our lives, actions that we commit, things that we say and even in the relationships that we may have, i think that at some point... theres a niggling feeling that the decisions we are making (and they may seem to be trivial at the time) are going to lead to a whoopsies moment. a stupid choice like not using a chopping board and slicing your hand. saying something like... i'm never gonna join facebook.... and then couple of weeks down the track... having to swallow your pride. or... perhaps... knowing that the person isn't the right one... if anything, they are so bad for you... but opening yourself up anyway to hurt or disappointment.and really... there are moments when you think that being aware of the risk is enough. that by knowing the risks, you'll be able to avoid it. haha perhaps sometimes this may be the case... but we aren't impervious to distractions, or making mistakes. haha sometimes... if you see the risk... its best to run in the opposite direction. but then again... sometimes like a child who touches the hot stove, we learn to respect the flame. It could have been avoided. but... you'll recover.

its life.
you live.

you learn.
hopefully... ;)

2007-10-17T23:16:00.001+10:00

hahaha i really really should stop procrastinating and just get on with it... hehe

run

2007-10-16T20:53:00.000+10:00

I’ve always been more of a sprinter than a long distance runner... haha... in primary school right up to high school Aths... if ever i saw my name listed next to an event such as 400 m ‘sprint’ or 800m or *shudder* 1500m... i do believe my heart would literally sink... hahaha... I think it had a lot to do with the fact that i would have been representing my house against those who were made for long distance running. Haha i’m pretty sure everybody dreaded running against DD and LCdC... (really... you would be battling for 3^rd place.. don’t even look at 1^st or 2^nd)

Long distance running requires endurance. Strength of will to push past the pain and focus on reaching the target. Perseverance. Haha i hated long distance running... hahaha to me i guess apart from the improving fitness... i didn’t derive enough pleasure or enjoyment out of the activity. I’ve always enjoyed ball sports a great deal more (arghhhhhhhhh i miss sports!!! I miss PE!!! I miss Gilly!) and of course... some of the sports i played would involve running at some point. Softball... running between bases... (haha the skill was more in sneaking bases) cricket when batting (haha this time the skill was more in running in the ridiculously cumbersome gear and trying not to stumble and fall) Mmm... my strength has always been more towards short bursts of speed and energy. Partly the reason i would be positioned as striker in soccer... i think the times i played centre midfield... i was wishing the ball wouldn’t keep moving so much and just stay down one end of the field... preferably our scoring end... hahaha. Endurance and perseverance? To be perfectly honest? Not my strong points.

Whilst this is the way i tend to be in terms of fitness i guess i do wonder whether i am like this in the way that i live life? Short bursts of speed and energy? But too exhausted or burnt out to maintain that for the long run? Unable to ignore the momentary pain and push onwards? Mmm... something for me to ponder on... and search my heart.

Do you not know that in a race all the runners run, but only one gets the prize? Run in such a way as to get the prize. Everyone who competes in the games goes into strict training. They do it to get a crown that will not last; but we do it to get a crown that will last forever. Therefore I do not run like a man running aimlessly; I do not fight like a man beating the air. No, I beat my body and make it my slave so that after I have preached to others, I myself will not be disqualified for the prize.

- 1 Corinthians 9:24-27

- Hebrews 12:1

Training my heart, mind, body and spirit to run with perseverance. To focus on You alone. Because Lord, You are all I need.

In Your strength.

By Your grace.

I’ll run.

so much more

2007-10-15T00:37:00.000+10:00

He knows my name
He knows my every thought
He sees each tear that falls...
and hears me when I call

more than a religious figure. more than an abstract or philosophical entity. more than curse word. You are so much more.

You are relational. You reached down. You are my best friend. the One. You are undeniably present. there is power in Your name. there is no greater name.

You know me. better than anyone. better than i know myself... haha. You look into my heart and see it all... the good the bad and the ugly. You make me vulnerable before You. but i know that my heart could never be in safer Hands.

You'll never let me down.

2007-10-11T00:33:00.001+10:00

I was so unique
Now I feel skin deep
I count on the make-up to cover it all
Crying myself to sleep cause I cannot keep their attention
I thought I could be strong
But it's killing me

Does someone hear my cry?
I'm dying for new life

I want to be beautiful
Make you stand in awe
Look inside my heart,
and be amazed
I want to hear you say
Who I am is quite enough
Just want to be worthy of love
And beautiful

Sometimes I wish I was someone other than me
Fighting to make the mirror happy
Trying to find whatever is missing
Won't you help me back to glory

You make me beautiful
You make me stand in awe
You step inside my heart, and I am amazed
I love to hear You say
Who I am is quite enough
You make me worthy of love and beautiful

-Beautiful Bethany Dillon

I love how this song captures the insecurities that girls go through...

and the best thing about this song... is the recognition that it is only God who can reconcile insecurities and fears.

You love me the way i am... You make me worthy of love and beautiful. You leave me gobsmacked and grinning... hahaha =D

Lord I am so in love with You.

2007-10-09T22:20:00.002+10:00

The Faith of the Centurion

When Jesus had entered Capernaum, a centurion came to him, asking for help. "Lord," he said, "my servant lies at home paralyzed and in terrible suffering."
Jesus said to him, "I will go and heal him."
The centurion replied, "Lord, I do not deserve to have you come under my roof. But just say the word, and my servant will be healed. For I myself am a man under authority, with soldiers under me. I tell this one, 'Go,' and he goes; and that one, 'Come,' and he comes. I say to my servant, 'Do this,' and he does it."
When Jesus heard this, he was astonished and said to those following him, "I tell you the truth, I have not found anyone in Israel with such great faith. I say to you that many will come from the east and the west, and will take their places at the feast with Abraham, Isaac and Jacob in the kingdom of heaven. But the subjects of the kingdom will be thrown outside, into the darkness, where there will be weeping and gnashing of teeth."
Then Jesus said to the centurion, "Go! It will be done just as you believed it would." And his servant was healed at that very hour.

-Matthew 8:5-13

you know what would be totally cool? to have a faith that astonishes Jesus... yep. that would be awesome.

striving to be all that You want me to be. seeking more of You. falling more in love with You each day. Your joy is my strength.

would You give me mountain-moving faith...

faith.hope.peace.love.joy

for you

2007-10-07T22:44:00.000+10:00

the truth is... we'll miss you... heaps... and things won't be the same without you...

thanks for all the great times... haha =D... choco pillows, that evil chocolate ice-cream, poker, taboo, gang up tiggy, all nighters, karaoke, pool... haha
thanks for being there for me... and being such a great friend...

but our hearts prayer is that you will stay close to Him... that you will remember His goodness... and His love... even when things gets difficult.

The Lord your God is with you, He is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, He will quiet you with His love, He will rejoice over you with singing
-Zephaniah 3:17

The Lord will go before you, the God of Israel will be your rear guard
- Isaiah 52:12

God is with you, wherever you are... trust in Him and draw strength from Him. we'll be praying for you... =) keep smiling. stay strong and hold onto Him. haha and get your blog up and running!!! take care =D

you

2007-10-01T00:16:00.000+10:00

i've noticed that more often than not... you don't get a chance to recover...
you don't get a chance to take a breath.
its never a coincidence that circumstances that discourage you, circumstances that knock you off your feet or sometimes just plain hurts... well... they happen all at once.
and i'm not going to even bother pretending that i understand why these things are happening. i won't pretend that I'm strong enough.
and i've learnt... that i have to be prepared for it. stand my ground.

when i suddenly find myself with a face full of dirt... i'm learning to draw upon His strength so i can stand up... dust myself off... and let Him calm the storms within me.

focusing on You

because You are that much bigger than me and my circumstances... that much stronger. i only see the struggles... You see the bigger picture...You see the prize ahead. You hold me in the palm of Your hand. You will never let me go. You are in control. through it all.

so i will trust in You.

learning to dance for You

2007-09-29T15:28:00.000+10:00

Seems my own arrogance has knocked me off my feet again
When you know I'm crawling to You as fast as I can
First teach me to walk
And then I'll learn to dance for You
Like an honest clumsy clown
Tripping along the way

Cause I am reaching for You
When my arms aren't long enough
And I am running to You
If I go a little faster
And I am crying to You
But I can't hear my own voice
And I am waiting for You
And I'm trying not to fall asleep now

Cause I am clumsily dancing away this fear
I am stumbling closer to You and I'm
Tumbling over my pride
I will be a fool for You

-Fool Lifehouse

i'm learning... bear with me... stumbling closer to You.

perspective

2007-09-27T00:43:00.001+10:00

sometimes i struggle with the feeling that my best is not enough... i let myself get caught up in concern and worry... and i know that u have to find that balance between compassion or empathy... and well... anxiousness which ultimately renders you useless and ineffective.

Cast your cares on the Lord and He will sustain you; He will never let the righteous fall
- Psalm 55:22

Cast all your anxiety on Him because He cares for you.
-1 Peter 5:7

Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.
-Phillipians 4:6

I'm doing my best to focus on You... regain perspective... realizing that i need to focus on You to stop myself from getting overwhelmed... everything else just fades away...

in Your freedom i will live
i offer devotion

2007-09-25T23:49:00.000+10:00

hilarious moments over the weekend:

torquay:

beach... playing gang up tiggy... going after IH near the water, IH trying to dodge me... and diving into the water... still getting tagged... HAHA
GY, CL and myself scoring JL on his abilities... dress sense... humor... anything and everything that came up... hahah poor guy... seriously bullied by us girls.. hehe
the freezing cold showers... maaaannnnnnn agony!
must be the drought... hehehe
hahahaha CL telling me the name game story about her dad... i think i laughed for 10 minutes straight
BY and his poses!!!!!! stole the show!!!

dinner with JT:

hahaha stories of little JT... mannnn... u started way too early... u ladies man.. hahahaha
u had me laughing before you even finished the stories... hahaha

(happy birthday JT! thanks for always being there for me... ur texts and calls... prayer and encouragement... randomness... awesome hugs and warm smile. you're an awesome guy! booyah!)

CL and KP's bday thing:

wonderwoman wonderwoman... batman batman... superman superman... ultraman ultraman... VH u have the fobbiest accent i have EVER heard..... u had me in hysterics... that combined with the actions... killed me... hahahahahhaa... highlight of the night
if i drew a triangle between these three glasses... who's triangle would it be? hahahahaha
VH and AP trying to outdo one another... and VH trying to prove he still had co-ordination... doing a handstand and hitting the rubbish bin... "it hit ME!" hahahah
AY's antics during the present presentation

great times... =D now i really should get onto my assignments and revision. HA!

reality of growing up

2007-09-20T21:25:00.000+10:00

trying to collect my thoughts. it was difficult. very awkward. not a little girl anymore.
struggled with a neutral face. careful. part of me didn't want to listen. i saw it coming. guess i didn't want to. tightness in chest. ached as you broke. thousand thoughts. ten different ways of saying it. none of them right. i guess i know you too well. is it my place to say it? dare i risk it? so i just listened. held your hand. and prayed.

beginning to see just how hard things can be. how much we have to let go. the importance of exercising patience and grace. how much time we spend hoping and praying that they'll rise up and take the lead. mm... wish it was my problem and not yours... just so you didn't have to carry the weight. because its easier to trust Him with my own problems? mmm... it shouldn't be that way...mmm something to work on.

praying for you. leaving it in His capable hands. love.

meh

2007-09-19T18:20:00.000+10:00

feels like i've been walking on eggshells all the time recently... i'm not sure i would go so far as to say that i feel choked or suffocated... (gosh this sounds so very emo) but i guess i find there are times now where i have to stop and breathe deep... do my best to not let it affect me. kinda hard sometimes to stop urself from reacting. meh. character building.

breathe in... breathe out...

with Your strength and grace. still smiling =)

slowly and eventually

2007-09-18T23:46:00.000+10:00

things i've learnt

vulnerability does not equal weakness...
that sometimes... its really best to keep ur head down... and keep quiet, smile and nod.. or maybe.. don't smile...
how to cook
i'm a sugar addict
that sometimes, when i think i've surrendered it all, i really haven't... i'd taken it back when i thought i wasn't looking... haha..
my heart melts too easily... hahaha

things i'm learning (or trying to learn):

being a woman of God
relying on His strength
the extent of Your love
patience, waiting for the right time
humility
to surrender it all
its ok to be vulnerable
balance... there are fine lines between many things...

things i should learn:

time management
macro, ata and qm... hahaha
how to play guitar

and there it goes and hits me again....

2007-09-17T22:29:00.000+10:00

Things i miss:

roast chicken and chips... every lunch for like... 2 months...
talking to the wednesday statues
those re-enactments of sound of music and disney movies...
believe it or not... school uniform
compulsory sport!!!!!
mitchell house!!!! "we'll bring your house down!!!!"
Gilly!!! Logie!!! Stevo!!! arghhhhhhhhhhhhh
all u who went off overseas... =(

Things that made me laugh:

random quotes: (thanks trace =D)

"It's good to have your streak of fascism" - Dani (to Mrs. Logan)
"What's another word for mean?" (maths class)... "Average!" "Medium!" "Nasty!" - Iz
"People think i steal their stuff, really people just write their name on all my stuff" - Tracey
"what is an explicit function?" (maths) "cosex" - Iz
"Jay, look at my self portrait by Trisha" - Tess
"See Angela! You and I think alike" - Dian "That's fine, so long as no one thinks like Tracey" - Mrs. Burrows

Ms Lovell: (courtesy of Bel... hehehe.. she was so hilarious she should have a whole post dedicated to her...)

“Mother Teresa was not a good person…anyway, let’s move on. I’m not too keen on her”
“It’s [the myth about seven celestial virgins] changed to all these virgins romping around heaven”
“The word flaccid is only used in one context, and Amanda will tell you what that is later”
“We have freedom of speech. Well no, actually we don’t. I suppose you can SAY whatever you want but who’s going to listen to you?”
“Female liberation didn’t happen because women went out a burnt their bras. That was just a waste of time…and bras”
“Let’s all take up a collection and bet that Ms. Hansen’s theme is hygiene”
“I hope my mum’s late so I can study more”
“Nobody wants to admit that they’re a nerd. Nerds rule the world. You’ll either be a nerd or be working for one”
“Contamination and pollution just sound like the American dream is a pond and you poured a bunch of liquid nitrogen into it”
When my daughter came home crying one day... telling me that the kids at school didn't like her.. i replied... "so what? nobody has to!"

Randomness:

Dian and her imitation of a water fountain.... omgosh! hilarious!
performances and renditions of 'a whole new world' and 'just around the river bend'
Convincing phoony that drop bears really existed... HAHAHAHAH
clockworks.... omgosh
the bomb scare... hahahaha was kinda funny then... hilarious now.... HAHA
ohhhhh hahaha muck up week.. where that guy came running into the school... momentarily distracting us with his too tight aths pants... throwing a water bomb at us... it not popping... but bouncing off us... and rolling across the floor... dian picking it up... dazed and confused... looking at it obviously thinking.. what is this? and the guy going... 'uhhhh... can i have that back?' dian just handing it over to him willingly and obligingly. then the guy running off... doing a circle and coming back to us... rethrowing the same water bomb at us... and it actually popping this time... omgosh... dian u were sooooo out of it...
in the middle of a cricket match... throwing an imaginary ball to one another... and faking spectacular catches... i reckon the other teams thought we were insane... hehe scare tactic? HAHAHA
hahaha freedom to promote girl superiority... HAHAHA jokes like:
How do you kill a bloke?
- Ask him to jump off his ego and land on his IQ

sigh... wish i had kept a blog back then or a journal... to remember all those hilarious moments... i guess i always thought i'd never ever forget them...hmm. haha its not a bad thing to occassionally look back... is it?

so blessed... so thankful

2007-09-16T23:53:00.000+10:00

its been an amazingly awesome weekend... thursday till today... has been so intense. I've learnt so much... stepped out i guess... and yeah.... seen God do things that I wouldn't have thought were possible... theres been so many little things that have acted as confirmation... stuff like before even knowing about the video shown at BAFN... if u look at one of my posts this week... lyrics from everything- lifehouse, the song was on my heart the whole week... exact phrases or verses that came up during my qt and i wrote into my journal being confirmed in conversations with friends...
been so encouraging
LTC retreat was just such a great time of refreshing and yeah... encouragement... i feel so blessed and thankful... =D

Thank you for all the great friendships and relationships formed...

thank You so much....for the glimpse of the extent of Your love for me... for reminders... for enveloping me in Your love....
would You protect my heart... keep me close to You.

Lord, i'm so in love with You

bumble bee

2007-09-14T03:28:00.001+10:00

i love the smell of cookies... hehe.. yeah... i'm baking cookies nearly 4 in the morning... hahaha... BAFN food preparation has been... interesting... hahaha but i've enjoyed it... despite it all being quite last minute... think i've learnt alot this week... in my busyness.. finding quiet time.... learning to deal and perhaps even appreciate the feeling of sometimes being over my head...haha i guess its the recognition that God works best when I admit I need His strength...

For when I am weak, then I am strong
-2 Corinithians 12:10

You are my strength. Into Your hands... I commit again

So looking forward to this weekend...

breathless

2007-09-11T15:42:00.000+10:00

You calm the storms; and You give me rest

You hold me in Your hands, You won't let me fall

You steal my heart; and You take my breath away

would You take me in? take me deeper now...

how can i stand here with You
and not be moved by You?

2007-09-10T21:10:00.000+10:00

there are times when i find myself missing biology... i find it so fascinating... learning about the complex and intricate way in which things work. Like for example, the human body... how... everything just... works.

haha like when you consider the genetic code, all thats required for lets say a condition like sickle cell anaemia is a chance mutation in the codon of a single nucleotide. (base -> codon -> nucleotide-> DNA -> chromosome (a single chromosome may have 220 million base pairs.)

instead of the base adenine--> thymine. the codon therefore becomes GTG instead of GAG... this is then in turn transcribed to GUG, and during translation, instead of the amino acid glutamic acid being attached to the polypeptide, valine is attached. because valine is slightly less polar than glutamic acid, the defective haemoglobin is less soluble than normal, and causes sticky fibres to form. the red blood cells become sickle shaped and clump together. as a result, it is unable to transport oxygen as effectively. this leads up to a number of other symptoms that disrupt the function of the body... such as shortness of breath, fatigue, organ damage. such a miniscule detail, and yet...

makes you realise how great God is... how creative and awesome He is.... to a point where i can't help but shake my head in wonder. Maker of heaven and earth.

You control the tiny things... things that we never even would think of worrying about... puts things into perspective.

wow.

hehe

2007-09-09T17:36:00.000+10:00

great times! this week (after wed of course... when all those assignments were done) has been awesome... hehe full of deep and meaningful late night (or even during the day) convos, lying on the grass (which i have missed soooo much) quality time spent with people...

got to see my like favouritest person in the whole world twice this week!!! TO came to visit thurs and today!!! =D hehe always awesome seeing you... love you gorgeous! lying on the grass. sharing a romantic *cough* afternoon with one another! hahahaha...treasure all the times we spend together... hehe i've really missed you. thanks for the hugs and kisses! love love love!!!!

haha twas awesome fun today, cricket. park. sun. sunnies. hehe awesomely funny people. gang up tiggy. loads of white bread. acting like kids. hahaha

thank You for friends... old and new....

2007-09-08T22:48:00.001+10:00

i was reminded today about the story of lazarus. John 11.

2 days passed. Lazarus had already died. most people would consider that the end. yet we forget sometimes that our God is an awesome God. mmm and put Him in a box. God has power and dominion over death itself!

I guess... when i think about it, i find myself asking the question, could i truly have the faith and trust to keep on believing... and wait upon the Lord even when all hope seems well... kinda unrealistic?

I remember a while ago... pastor Tim P shared the story of a father who's only son became seriously ill... and after pleading with God for his son's life for 2 days, not eating or sleeping.. his son died. but the father didn't stop praying... he told God that he would not leave the room his son was in until his son was given back to him. after hours and hours of praying... the man declared to his son 'in the name of Jesus Christ, stand up and walk!' and beyond all rational thought... beyond the natural... God moved in the supernatural... and the man's son got up. He told his father that he had met with Jesus. Jesus had told this boy... that it was not yet the boy's time... because His father refused to let him go.

There are times when God saves us at the 11th hour... 59th minute... and so we seek His intervention until that last moment. But i guess... the question is... can i go beyond that? can i have that same tenacity as the father? can i persevere and trust in God? How much faith do i have in the Lord? mmm... i think its nice to be reminded that even AFTER we think the deal is closed, even after the 12th hour... God can STILL intervene and turn it all around for His glory...

I choose to trust in You. I will wait upon You... be glorified in all my circumstances.

all glory to You

2007-09-07T17:59:00.001+10:00

i've always said that i find the concept of blogging... unusual... haha something about posting my thoughts on the net... for all to see... seems kinda strange to me... i never know what to write... I have actually started blogs before... but really... all i post up there are quizzes... and mmm superficial-bored-procrastinating-posts.

i've always been bad with journals and diaries. i'd start. The end. hahaha... not only that... but I wince whenever i read through those few entries that i've kept... i lacked the quantity... and really... the quality was so not there either. hahaha

but recently... i've started to carry a journal around with me and pen a few thoughts, stuff that makes me smile or laugh... small joys... blessings that i see. and i guess... the thoughts have started to bubble up and i get this insane urge to share them... ultimately... i want this blog to glorify Your Name.

'not to us, O Lord, not to us
but to Your name be the glory,
because of Your love and faithfulness'
-Psalm 115:1

all glory to You. you deserve my all. i am so in love with You.